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By the time a relationship ended, many words have been spoken and left unsaid. Actions have been taken and left undone. Years later you can live with these spoken and unspoken messages in your head as if with a haunting. If only I had not said this, if only I had done that...

And when the relationship has breathed it's last breath, a main piece of advice commonly given is to take responsibility for your part. This is good and necessary advice that helps you deal honestly with what occurred and allows you to course correct any actions for the future.

But there is something you are missing. An important piece that matters just as much, if not more. Take the time to think about what you did say and what you did do. What truths did you speak, what actions did you take, that was good and right. These were the life-giving actions you gave to the relationship. They spoke of what was good in you, and good towards the relationship. Remember these. While the former may highlight your weakness or the weakness of the relationship, the later speaks to your strengths or what was strong in the relationship.

If this is your story, I would encourage you to do something to honor that you did do some good. No one does everything right in a relationship, and to silence the reminders of your failings, real or not, find a place that is meaningful to you, light some candles if you like, bring a friend with you if you want, and honor what was good. You may need to work through the hurtful words or neglect, even seek counselling, but remind yourself just as often, if not more, of the good that was there. It will make healing and moving forward, easier.

Karen Cook Counselling & Therapeutic Life Coaching

Eating Disorders and Women's Issues Specialist

This is your season to learn, grow, and develop a full and deeply satisfying life.

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