Fake It Till You Make It... July 8
I love Oprah's words, "Always begin with truth!"
If we follow our truth, it is often recommended we "fake it until we make it." But we can bring an understanding to information that is inaccurate. One of the most heart wrenching things people say to me is, "I feel like I am a Jeckyle and Hyde person. People who meet me see this fun, kind person, or this intelligent, steady person, but inside I am different, and I am terrified they will see the 'real me'".
Often I can feel their pain and their fear.
So,when we are "faking it until we are making it", we need to be aware we can fake it, but all we are doing is altering the surface. This is different than doing the inner work that changes you inside, and aligns with the outside.
A question to ask yourself is, are you building a cover, or recreating your whole self, your inner and out self? The answer to that question puts you on two different paths.
You can fake it till you make it. But, do you know what you are making?
The Most Common Question I Am Asked As A Therapist...
... in a first session is "How long will this take?"
Well, that depends: How long you have struggled with this. How deeply it has imbedded into your heart. How serious the hurt was that occurred. Where you are in your journey of recovery. How healthy the other parts of you and your life. Do you have a support system? How complex it is. Do you want a surface cover or to heal to the roots of the difficulty?
Speed seems to have become the more important concern today. Not the quality, not the true state of ones heart and life. It seems, we want to feel better, but not hurt or struggle to grow along the way.
And I understand all this. I keep saying if I had the pill for instant healing, I would be a very wealthy woman.
But strangely enough, the human heart and soul does not seem to want to comply with the speed of technology, nor mechanics, where you can taken out the broken, worn out part and replace it with a new one.
In this world of Speed and Image Is Everything, remember that the truth beneath how things look, is where you find your heart. It is where you find your truth life and self.
And if you want to know, I work with a small number of people for a few weeks to a few months. Most clients I work with for close to a year. A small percentage I work with for years.
The Day Dawns June 19
And how do you feel when you wake up? Many factors, known and unknown can influence how you feel. Including the ones that play on you while you sleep. Dreams and subconscious thoughts seem to have their way in this time.
If you wake up feeling unwell emotionally everyday, it is important to learn why this is happening, but also to decide you will no longer stand for this to happen.
So what do you do? This is an important question if you regularly do not feel well emotionally.
You can keep choosing what you normally do. And you will find the same results. Or, you can create a new plan for beginning your day.
To begin with, think about what you want to see more of in your life. Then decide what you can do each morning to help bring this in your life. And commit to doing this until you see the full results you are looking for.
And remember, you have a mind in your head and a mind in your heart. Your deepest knowing is at the heart level, so what you come to know in your head, seek to know to the depths of your heart.
Living Consciously May 20
Your life is created by the choices you make in daily living. And while life does happen around you and to you, it is your thoughts, decisions and habits that create the effect and direction your life takes. It is what happens first quietly within yourself that creates a force that charts your life's course.
Author and speaker, Anthony Robbins, conducts an exercise that asks people to look around the room and notice everything that is brown around them. He then has everyone close their eyes and recount all they saw that was green. He concludes with saying, "You can only focus on one thing at a time. So choose well."
Living consciously allows you to realize your thoughts and decisions in your daily life. It gives you the opportunity to stop life from acting on you and wakes you up to see the power of your own ability to choose and thereby create a life in line with your values and belief's.
Take the time you need to ensure your know where you are going and if you are creating the life that is truly the one for you.
Guarding Hearts April 19
Soon after the Lewis' were married, they purchased a new car. They loved it and found it quite beautiful. But as they stood looking at it, they had an ax in hand between them. And in the spirit of their agreed upon decision to never let anything material come between them, they raised the ax together, and lowered it with the force of their hands, to their new car, denting it. Because they were never going to let something material come between their relationship.
As a therapist, I've learned just how quickly people go to image when they are hurt or challenged. Somehow creating the right image soothes the pain or embarrassment, at least on the surface and for the moment.
And while things matter, family systems can operate around the need to have everything looking well, to the point that appearances matter more than how each individual is really doing.
When I counsel teens, it is common for me to hear this kind of a story. The teenager before me is angry, hates herself, or perhaps is not eating. And as I listen to the story, I hear the desperate need for someone to see and love them as they are. I hear the teen's deep desire for the parent to take the time to really hear them, and to see what is good in them and to keep focused on this as they talk to their teen. I hear the deep desire for the teen to know the parent will guard the teen's inner person-hood.
Hearing takes putting your own thoughts, assumptions and goals aside and taking the time to understand what is coming from another's mind and heart. And contrary to public opinion, teens want their parents to take the time to hear.
Every one has an ax in their hand. Have you taken time in your family to know where it is landing and what you are guarding?
Endings March 19
By the time a relationship ends, many words have been spoken and left unsaid. Actions have been taken and not taken. Whether either have been each individual's truth or not, the words and action given, and left undone, have an effect. Years later you can live with these spoken and unspoken messages in your head as if with a haunting. If only I had not said this, if only I had done that...
And when the relationship has breathed it's last breath, a main piece of advice commonly given is to take responsibility for your part. This is good and necessary advice that helps you deal honestly with what occurred and allows you to course correct any actions for the future.
But this is not enough. We are perhaps missing another important piece of advice that equals, or even surpasses the latter. That is, to make sure you take time to honor what you did say and did do, that was your truth, and that was good and right for you to say and do. These were the life giving actions you gave to the relationship, and spoke of what was good in you, and good towards the relationship. These too, you want to remember, and keep them as a part of you as you move through life. While the former may speak to your weakness or the weaknesses of the relationship, the latter speaks to your strengths, to what was good.
If this is your story, I would encourage you to do something to honor the genuine attempt of your heart and choices to see it succeed. No one does everything right in a relationship, and to silence the reminders of your failings, real or not, find a place that is meaningful to you, light some candles, bring a friend who knows this place with you, and honor that real place of your heart and desires. And let the hurtful words still swirling in your mind go, to the truth of what was still right and good and true of you.
Personality is Your Fingerprint
Do you know the deep satisfaction of being familiar with and valuing yourself and your uniqueness? Can your freely live this out, whether you are quieter, more detailed, thoughtful, curious, in love with unusual things, or hospitable and outgoing? Each attribute you have in your personality if there for a reason. Do you know that?
Character is born of your choices. Personality is developed in the way you are wired and formed in the womb. It is visible at birth. It is reshaped in the growing up years. Adolescence is the natural time of seeking to bring it more into its true form by your choosing. All through your life, you are choosing and not choosing, thereby shaping it as you go.
Each person is made different, yet unique. We long for both, to belong by being the same. To be distinct by being unique. We wrestle with both, as we balance choosing our way to go, and its effect on those around us.
If you are one to not easily value and enjoy your uniqueness, creating the life meant for you to live will be challenging, for the blueprint to your life and your purpose is hidden in the unique self you have been created to be. The clues reside in you.
Life needs you to take the time to know yourself and to know the value you were created with. It matters that you find the place made for you.
You need to take the time to know yourself, and to know in your very essence you are valuable the way you are, even as you evolve and change throughout the years. For no one else can fit into your place exactly as you can. And you cannot enjoy life without finding and the real you, and letting her matter.
Relaxation, A Readily Available Antidote
Researchers in the field of psychology keep finding relaxation to be an effective activity which aids in healing many emotional difficulties such as stress, depression, anxiety and eating disorders.
We live in a world spinning faster and faster as the moments, months and years go by. Even the young declare their time flies, and their future is not so far into the distance they are traveling too. It is easy and almost natural to step into this ever increasing pace life continues to generate.
So 'take 5' each day as a minimum dose. Take 5 three times a day if you can. Allow the muscles and tension in your body to relax. Realize your heart beating, the rhythm of your breathing, the sense of your own skin touching the surface you are resting on. Turn your attention to the sounds around you, in the room, from outside the room, or coming in through the open window. And when your done, return to your day refreshed!